It's been two weeks since I had to put my 13 1/2 boy to sleep. I cry everyday. I miss him so so much. My heart aches.
He had a reoccurring pneumonia (that's what vets thought though they weren't 100%), an enlarged heart (wasn't in CHF according to cardiologist), neuro problems caused his hind legs to finally give in and he wasn't able to pee on his own after a while. He also started barking at bedtime and whenever we left the room. It was all within a 3 month span of quick decline. The first time he went to er they weren't sure if it was pneumonia or his heart problems so they gave him antibiotics and continued regular heart meds and it seemed to get better. Then it came back with a vengeance and hospitalized him for three days. He turned around and the last re check with his cardiologist she was elated he had recovered so well. Then I started hearing major congestion through his nose and he started panting In the morning again. Then the terrible wet cough came back.
Even as I write this, it's so obvious he had problems on top of problems yet I still ask myself, did we do enough? Should I have given it at least a few more days? When we took him back for emergency for the third time, He was stable in oxygen but when he was outside of it, he struggled to breathe again. After 24 hrs had passed and I didn't see any signs of improvement after the IV antibiotics and lasix (which he was already on weeks prior) we decided to put him to sleep so he didn't have to struggle to breathe and be in pain anymore.
Two weeks later, I am filled with guilt and regret. What if he had gotten better? What if I had given it a few days and we could of at least spent his last few weeks together at home, doing the things we loved to do together - sleep on my lap and love each other. When I look back at that moment when the er vet told me that Ling was a really sick dog - that was the moment it had hit me how hard he was struggling his last few weeks. I had spent our final weeks together going to vet after vet and getting no clear answers when I should of been preparing for the inevitable and enjoying every last moment together. The regret is unbearable. And then when that leaves me for a moment I am left with overwhelming sadness and pain from his absence. Ling was my My pug soul mate, the love of my life. We got him when I lost my mom to cancer when I was 19 and he was always by my side: first apartment, graduating college, living through my 20s, moving to new cities, new career etc. I always knew saying Goodbye would be one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, but I felt like his ending was so quick and I wish I could of gave him a better final goodbye. Maybe those few days extra with him would change the depth of my grief.
Has anyone been through this type of experience before? Heart problems and pneumonia in their pug? The guilt of euthanasia? Pug parents, does it get easier?
I am so sorry for your loss of Ling Ling. Many of us here have lost their babies and understand how hard it can be. Don't doubt yourself, you did everything you could for her. Most of all please don't feel guilty. They are never with us as long as we would love them to be. I lost my little girl to cancer a year ago and it is heartbreaking. Was it too soon to let her go? I will never know but at least I know she is not in pain. She was only 9 or 10. We have to do what is best for them and unfortunately it is so hard. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Now I can smile at some of the memories. Run free Ling Ling. She knew she was much loved.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. A very wise woman said that it's better to be a week early than to be a day late when deciding to let them go......
Stephanie, pugmom to Louie Livewire, born 3/15/06
and my 3 angels waiting at the bridge....
the very special Junior, my pug angel who is doing agility at the rainbow bridge 11/22/91 - 3/13/06
the very special Danny, my first dog, a Dandie Dinmont Terrier 4/5/70 - 2/10/84
the very special Paddy, the pug who was loved around the world, who my family had the pleasure and honor of loving for the last 3 years and 5 months 5/1/98 - 8/6/14
U did all u could do. Way more than many. Your baby left with a heart full of love
Chairperson of PDCA Rescue Committee
A candle for Ling Ling. May he rest in peace.
So sorry for your loss.
Last edited by Wonka & Nilla; 09-21-2016 at 07:11 PM. Reason: gender
Mom to Miss Jelly Bean "Beanie" Licorice Pug
Forever in our hearts: Miss Nilla Sassafras Pug August 17, 2002 to April 19, 2018
And my Heart-Dog... Wonka the Dancing Pug, CGC, W-FD, W-TFD.
Februrary 11, 2005 to May 10, 2020. Miss you, sweet boy!
Thank you so much pug parents. I know you've felt this pain before. Ling Ling was a boy actually. But common mistake. I gave him a girl name. Lol. I've been correcting people for 13 1/2 years. Thanks again for the support.
Oh this hit me to the core of my heart. I spent the last month of my own 13-year-old soulpug Dr. Chumley's life dragging him back and forth to UC Davis veterinary center 3 hours south to find out the location and severity of the tumor that was causing severe anemia and a sudden decline in health. Fortunately he wasn't in overt pain, just slower and subdued through those weeks, and actually enjoyed the trip and the clinic visit until the last trip — the personnel were very kind to him, but they insisted on wading through the standard by-the-book process as he rapidly worsened... they weren't sure what type of tumor it was, or its (turned out to be their) extent or location, though the ultrasound showed it was very large, as his anemia worsened and he grew less brighter by the day.
I had to take it up with their medical director, upon which they demurred after having me sign an against-medical-orders form to get them to finally give him the CT scan. On our final drive back to Davis for the CT, Chum started breathing very hard and looking at me in a very direct, pained way, with pale gums, so I knew the internal bleeding was worsening. The magic Yunaan Baiyo emergency pill got him on his feet again, and after an hour together in the waiting room, he was feeling much better, well enough to trot off to his initial exam on his own, and my last sight of him alive was as he was being carried off to the CT, wagging his tail, happy in the vet's arms, not even looking back at me.
Because the bloodwork wasn't great but good enough to suggest he would probably survive surgery, I waited for a few hours in the waiting room, expecting the call telling me that we'd be going ahead with removing the tumor... but instead the CT revealed that the entire abdominal cavity was filled with a massive tumor that had already gobbled up the adrenal gland and most of the kidney and was threatening other major organs, and there were also several others that were pressing on the vena cava.
I could have woken him up and had perhaps another week or two with him, but from the horrible look he gave me and his obvious discomfort and bleeding on the trip down, I decided instead to let him sleep on forever, per my vet's recommendation.
So I kissed him as he slept, left the room, and then after they had sent him off, we drove the long hours home in a daze, his absence from my lap like a bad dream, his body resting in a cardboard coffin in the back seat: a nightmare I had created myself... some of the most painful moments of my 61 years.
That decision still haunts me, because we might well have had a good--well, an OK week or maybe two together... and I would have cherished every minute of it. But when I called him before making that awful decision, my personal vet told me firmly that
Chum's best days were behind him and it would be a kindness to let him go before he felt any worse, and I knew deep in my heart that he was right, though all the rest of me felt otherwise. At some deep level, I understood then (and still do now) that that would have been selfish of me, since he had gone to sleep in peace, to wake him up for a rapidly diminishing quality of life and most probably a more painful exit... just so I could have him a short time longer. And he deserved the most peaceful exit possible. This was it.
For 13 years, Chum slept in my arms, and despite my love for my other three dogs (two pugs and a porkie), his absence is still felt like a hole in my heart every day. His older brother Pooka had died just months before, of a different cancer, and I was still reeling from that major loss when Chum fell ill, so it made it even worse to lose my two elders so close together.
It's always a tough decision, but when you've done all you can and you see the quality of life waning, you've done the right thing. So now, we must force ourselves to look ahead and when the pain isn't quite so raw, to start taking joy in memories of them at their best, knowing that we did all we could and released them from their suffering. Puglover22's mention of the "Better a week too early than a day too late" saying is too true, and I try to keep that in mind as well when I start feeling again the now-familiar regret for my decision to send my Chum off before I was ready... because I know he was ready... and it definitely sounds as if your baby was too.
In three days it will be six months since my Chum's death. Life has gone on, and my heart is healing a bit with my other dogs, and though the big hole in it will never be filled by any other, they help a lot.
Your Ling sounds like he was feeling much worse than my Chum was, and was clearly more than ready to go, especially if he couldn't breathe except on oxygen—that's no quality of life, and a panicky feeling for any creature, especially a dog who doesn't understand it. You definitely did the right thing, and with time you'll come to feel it as well as just know it intellectually. A quick end is a merciful one for them, however tough for us. Be kind to yourself and when the time is right, consider adopting a rescue pug who needs you; that would be a wonderful way to pay tribute to your sweet Ling. Hang in, and stick around. We all understand here, and are with you.
A candle is lit in Far Northern California for your beloved Ling.
Last edited by Loconn55; 09-21-2016 at 10:16 PM.
See Lisa's (6 Beautiful Pugs) 'wishlist' for her grumble at the Rusty Pug Retirement Ranch and help them out at:http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wi...ref=cm_sw_su_w
I'm sorry you are joining under these circumstances......but you have come to the right place. You have found a very caring, supportive bunch of people here--we all help each other through......I'm so, so, sorry for your loss....that is so heartbreaking. Loconn55, again, I'm so sorry for the losses of your dear little Pooka and Dr. Chumley, also. We can never be ready for that. I think it must be normal to feel all the grief, guilt, 2nd guessing ourselves. I've done that over every pet I've ever lost, and at my age, there have been quite a few. We just have to do the best we can, and when the time comes, we have to feel the grief, which is going to come anyway, whether we go ahead & do the thing now, or wait a week or month. It is almost a year now since we lost our little Rugby. I still miss her all the time, & her pictures crop up all the time on the computer.....it helps a lot that we still have Lab Molly, but she is 12 now......we went & got little Heidi last December, & that also helps by giving me more to do & love again. When your heart has had some time to heal, I hope your little Ling Ling will "have a paw" in sending you a new little special someone to love--one who really needs your loving heart and home!
Rugby 7/10/02 - 9/28/15 Miss you, little girl! You're always in my heart!
Molly DOB: 7/6/04
I am so very sorry for your loss. A candle is lit in honor and remembrance of your precious boy, Ling Ling.
We never touch people so lightly that we don't leave a trace.
A candle is lit in AZ in honor of Ling Ling.
~~mary - loved by Colbie the Vizsla Pug, plus many featherpugs! Remembering our heart pugs Bug and Sugar at the Rainbow Bridge with Sissy the Chihuahua Pug