Help! I'm being stalked by Maude
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Thread: Help! I'm being stalked by Maude

  1. #1
    Blanche's Avatar
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    Default Help! I'm being stalked by Maude

    There is a terrible creature that follows me everywhere I go outside. It is a snake, I think or maybe a snail or some horrible mutant alien thing. It tries to stay behind me where I can't see it, but every once in awhile it forgets and then I spy it. I immediately sit down and refuse to go on until my mother gives me food. Here it is. Horrible, isn't it?

    My mother is completely unconcerned that I'm being terrorized by this....this....THING.

    And LOOK! There's a nest of them hiding in the fruit bowl. Trying to fool me by nestling among the oranges, but I wasn't born yesterday.

    Help me. I don't want this thing to suck me up into it's pod ship or it's web or it's lair. Does my mother care? Nope. She harbours these things. Can no one save me? Can I swear out a restraining order or something?
    Yours in terror,
    Maude

  2. #2
    FourteenLegs is offline Village Diva
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    Can you table-surf Maude? Might help you get to the nest and clear it out. Along with the oranges that look like they've seen better days....



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    You see the kind of danger I'm in? Those THINGS sucked the life juice right out of the oranges. Someday my mother will come down stairs and find a dried out old pug husk--all that will remain of my beauty after being drained of my life force by the Evil String Thing.

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    FourteenLegs is offline Village Diva
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    Maude sweetie, I'm sending a rescue-kangaroo right away. You need to live Downunder. Our oranges have JUICE.



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    Donner, here. From the look of them those oranges weren't born yesterday either. Lying down and forcing the woman to drag you may be uncomfortable in a transitory manner but the effect on her of the neighbors scorn is well worth the effort. Chewing the leash snakes in half kills them stone dead, be careful to chew well behind the head to find the leash snakes' vital organs.

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    Blanche's Avatar
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    My mother blames the tired looking oranges on the men in the family. She says she buys them at their request and they don't eat them. I don't believe that story for a moment. MY boy would never do such a thing. I think the leashsnakes are draining them.

    I'm going to go live with my surgeon, Dr. Tom. He got an update about me today and asked if he could have me. He loves me and my selfish mother won't give me to him. I bet he doesn't harbour killer leash snakes.

  8. #7
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    John Ott, here. We ran a quick pool on the identity of the orange objects in the dish, thank you for identifying them as oranges. Non winning entries for the pool included persimmons past their prime, squash and large pieces of artist's erasers, as well as Play Doh. Could we ask for a close up of the orange, Maude, if you can get anyone to eat one on camera that would be even better. Francine wants to know if you placed the 'orange' in water would it expand to its natural appearance. If you have Dr. Tom in your pocket, have him write a physician's excuse that you are not to be walked.

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    Blanche's Avatar
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    <<<GASP>>>> I just had a horrible thought! What if those aren't oranges at all, but leash snake eggs? That would explain why the leash snakes sit coiled up in the bowl. Hatching them.

    Oh my heavenly days, the end is near. It's the Rapture. I'm sure that leash snakes are mentioned in Revelations.

    I'm going to swoon........

    (oh and my mother says for me to add "Har de har har" from her)

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    Juneemoon is offline Village Mayor
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    Puggie has a special cat-brother named Tooncie that walks along beside him and attacks his leash snakes for him, especially when the leash snakes gets lax and touch the ground.

  11. #10
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    JOhn Ott, here. The staff is clearly under the sway of the leash snake eggs. But what of the boy? Unless you hold the fabled secret of the
    can opener, his life must be saved at all costs. Shoot the eggs, Maude, shoot them in the antenna.

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